Thursday will mark 6 months since my stem cells were infused into my chemo depleted body. The experience of my recovery from the stem cell transplant has brought about many changes. I am no longer taking any medications to suppress my immune system or treat my CIDP. I know the procedure worked and my days of being hooked up to IVs are over. I do not know how much of my former self I will recover and that is the mental challenge I am now facing.
After my failed work attempt and my back-aching fall it is apparent that I still have a ways to go in my recovery. Over the past week I have been fairly secluded within the four walls of my living room. Each day these walls seem to be inching in on me. Slowing smothering me and breaking my spirit. Sure I know how to put on the smile and charm to others…I have been doing that all my life. Smiling through the misery. My family are the ones that truly suffers. Ann, Taylor, and Tori have to deal with the highs and lows of my depression. They see the real impact these four walls have on me.
Sharing these feelings is not something that I wanted to do. I prefer my blog to be uplifting and positive, but it has been brought to my attention that this “funk” or “rough patch” can happen. Not everyone will experience these lows, but some do.
This past weekend I watched a movie I had not seen in sometime. The movie was about a former mental patient who turns his life around and becomes a doctor. At one point in the movie there is a reference made to him being in a mental hospital and how the doctors cured him. His response was that it was not the doctors who cured him but the patients. He realized that by helping others he forgot all about his problems. If you haven’t guessed by now the movie was “Patch Adams”.
After watching that scene in the movie it made me realize how important helping others is to me. When I was in Chicago going through my transplant it was never about how I was doing. I was always more concerned with the other patients on the floor. My motivation for walking the hallways was to catch a glimpse of my fellow Dr. Burt patients. The moment I returned home from Chicago I was already laying the foundation to find ways to help others.
However, the people I need to help the most are my family. I carry a huge burden of guilt for not being “the man of the house” and seeing all that Ann does. Right now I am uncertain of the direction I am heading. Sometimes a step back gives one the perspective to see a clearer path. Uncertainty, doubts, fear, and anger have all piled into these four walls of my living room.
I know that I am in good hands and God has a plan for me. Just wanted to share that the "post transplant blues" may occur so that others going through it will not feel alone.